Art of Delusion

First the blog is staying, I can't do the website. So for now the blog will continue to have my writings, be happy!
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Second I have something new! ^_^

Tired of Waiting:

For the first time ever I felt I found her.
Trying is easy succeeding is hard.
She needs a true friend, I gave her my heart and soul but all my efforts were for nothing.
I've gotten tired of waiting, waiting for her to realize that under her nose was the guy would be happy with.
I tried and I tried, suppressing the urge to quit but I realize now that being something less than what I wanted is okay for now.
The pain will heal, now I must live.
Life is short and there's other people out there, but never will I ever forget her smile, and the way she would spill her guts out.
Tried so hard but my efforts went down the drain, don't worry though; I'll heal.
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Well that's aboot it, not my best but this is based on a touchy subject. I'll try to write a better version later! :)

So I'm getting tired of Blogger, so instead of a blog I'm turning AoD into a website. I believe this will be easier to manage it and shit. So that won't be ready for a while, if anyone wants to help with it that would make things so much easier and speed the process up greatly! :)

This is more of a personal matter than a creative perspective. I am laying in bed and I now realize that in order to get through life I need to be a calm non angry person, I'm gonna use love rather than violence. After this realization I know now that there's more to life than being angry, this is the start of a new life for me. I like it! :)

Yes I just used a smiley face, it's a first for this blog! Haha.

With the sound of small words he lures them in, when they're in he does his magic. All the time it's an ongoing thing, everyday he moves on to a new girl. He's not good with words, he depends on his hair to do all the talking. All the girls in the school think that he's awesome, at the alter worshiping him like he's the messiah. He's broken more hearts then he has mended, he doesn't help the girls with their problems; he just causes more. The friend I had before is now gone, used to spend every waking day together; now he just wants to f*ck.

When will this stop? Nobody knows, I want it to. I want my best friend back, live and learn and don't look away.

I gave you my life, my world, my heart and soul.

Leaving you is the hardest thing in the world, but I promise in a year I'll be home.

No Dear John, no Dog Tags at the door.

Look me in the eyes not the floor, I tell you these words but they're so hard.

These tears burn my eyes, you give my life lavender skies.

Even though I'll be gone I'll still love you, I'll never forget your face.

This world is a scary place, one man can't erase the damage done to this earth.

You beg me not to leave, I got myself into this Hell but I'll make it out okay.

Don't stay up too late, when you wake up don't debate to yourself about me being gone.

Because in this life words you won't believe become things you can achieve, look in yourself and you will see.

Don't worry, by morning you'll be fine.

No tears please, it only makes this harder, love me or leave me.. It's up to you!

Goodbye my love, I'll see you soon.

This is a short story I wrote for creative writing, I'm adding it in our book on Monday. It's 2 pages so that's why it's so long, but I want you all to enjoy it!
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The day I found her was the day my world crashed down, it was like a knife in my chest. I've never felt this way before, my mind isn't in my head anymore. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so I'll just tell you.

I wake up and here she is just getting up, even just waking up she looks beautiful. I smiled at her but got no real smile back, just basically a slight wannabe smile. She looks broken, but no matter what I say she won't open up to me. I get up and head out the door, I work in a small crappy little office working for a bank (fun I know). All day I fax, Email, and send letters to random people I don't even know existed until now. Its really nothing but it's paying the bills, so at least I can support my wife and me. I'm getting really worried about her but I can't just leave work prematurely, I have to wait until 5:00.

Finally work is over, I just want to get home and see how Maria is. I pull up the driveway and see no lights on, maybe she's in bed. I walk in the door and find the TV turned on to nothing but static, there I find her just sitting there starting blankly into the TV. I wonder what her deal is, it's not like her to do something as weird as this.

“Maria are you alright?” I ask her sweetly.

“Maybe, we'll see!” She yells back at me.

“Alright then, why don't you go to bed? I'll sleep on the couch.” I tell her softly.

I watch her go upstairs, this has been really hard. I take my shoes off, grab a blanket and lay down in pure silence. I think about her and it's been so hard the past couple weeks she's been like this, all I can do now is just cry. Tears run down like rain, it's impossible to stop. Finally I close my eyes and fall asleep, I dream of the way it used to be. Suddenly there she is, on a beach sitting by the water. I look at her, she looks at me and then she sinks into a black hole of oblivion. Suddenly a good dream turns into a nightmare, why is life mocking me?

Waking up in the morning was hard, but I finally get off the couch and make me some coffee. I then realize that I'm still in my clothes from the previous day, I need to go get some new clothes on. I walk upstairs, turning the corner and finding a note on the door. I pull it off and read it, it says.

“Dearest David,

when I'm with you my mind is in the clouds, when I'm not with you my mind is in the dirt. Recently when I look in the mirror I see nothing but a cracked face and broken self esteem; it's hard to not see something I hate. These past 3 years has been amazing but I'm afraid that I must go, it's hard but I know it's for the best. Bye David and I love you one last time.

Love,

Maria.”

I read the words crushed and sad, I open the door to think about this but I don't find an empty bed, I find her laying there with cuts in her arms so deep I can almost see the bone. She in fact left me but in a different way, I stand there for about 2 minutes with tears running down my face. She has a sad look in her eyes, I can't help but fall on the floor and breakdown. I should have seen the signs but I was too busy to see it, I know now that I was the worst husband ever. The memories of us being happy seemed like a lie, I don't know why this happened to me. I grab my phone and call 911, they say they'll here As Soon As Possible; but the thought of them coming made me sick, I just want to spend one last time with her.

The paramedics get there, look at her and walk toward her. They ask me questions about what happened, after an hour of being questioned and giving them all my info they take her in a body bag. When they leave, I sit in front of the door and look at this empty house feeling nothing. I think about the good times but that just makes me miss her more. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but I need to stay strong. The hardest part of this was knowing I couldn't see her again, that this was the end.

Three months later my life is alright but not as it was. I get home from work and hear the phone rings as soon as I open the door. I rush over and answer it, they call me telling me about Maria's Autopsy.

“Mr. Ryans, we tried figuring out what the REAL cause of it was but it was only suicide. We did find one more thing though..”

“What was it?” I was waiting for the worst.

“It seems she was pregnant, I'm sorry.

“It's alright thanks” I said with a knot in my stomach.

The only thing I can do is sit on the couch and think, my world was once in orbit but now it's crashed to the ground, not ever to fix itself.

Sorry about the lack of posts, I've been really busy lately and haven't had time to add anything. I have nothing creative to write but I want to tell all the readers here about what happened with my creative writing's class book.

So we have a book full of our writings we've done over the course of the whole year (or something). So we had to submit names for it, one day I was putting one of my writings in the book and saw the names page. I opened up and submitted my name The Art of Delusion, there now my name was submitted but secretly.


So time comes about a month later to vote for names, my whole class voted on my name. So since I go to an alternative school there's an AM class and a PM, I'm AM. Anyway she says PM needs to vote and they'll tally them up the week after. So come the week after and we go to tally them up, my name got ALL of the votes. It was everyone's favorite name, until my teacher got worried. She wanted to know what Delusion meant, so she looks it up only to find a what she calls "negative" word.

So everyone crosses my name off the list saying that the name makes them all sound delusional, so I believe (not 100%) then name is now The Art of Integrity, they made a (shitty) cover for it.

I just wish they knew what The Art of Delusion means, basically they judged the name before they asked questions. Yes it hurt to hear them say it wasn't gonna be the name, but I guess life goes on. Oh and if you don't know what it means here's what the name means.